WE NEED TO TALK. These four words strike fear into the heart of a man and strike down his libido. Ever since the days where his own Mother would sit him down for a conversation about his behavior, those words have boded a problem. Men don't like problems. So men don't like to "talk" because if you need to talk, it means there's a problem.
Studies have shown that in an average day, men use fewer words than women. It's true and there's a reason for this. Words are not as important to men as they are to women. The reason most women can be lied to and will continue to be lied to by men, is because as long as a man is saying the things to a woman that she wants to hear, truthful or not, a man can get away with saying anything.
Men are not as gullible when it comes to words. You would think this would save them, but really it gets them into hot water more often than not with their wives and girlfriends who "want to talk." So while woman have spent decades "finding their voices," men have spent the same decades perfecting the art of dismissing words and feigning deafness. Words really mean nothing to them, unless you're saying the words, "It's so big!" or "That feels good." or "I'm so happy." or the words, "What bald spot?" FYI - those words mean EVERYTHING in the life of a man.
Men respond to action. They understand action and once they see what the action is, it becomes simple for them, they can then choose to participate in the action or not. However, if you insist upon "talking" with your man, keep it short and sweet. Cut to the chase and make your point in the first two sentences because most men will go into their "other" place if you keep talking without getting to the point.
In my opinion, the best way to get through to your man is to keep the choice you want him to make simple and then exemplify it to him. Don't waste two hours discussing your sex life and how you want to change things a bit. Just change things a bit. Trust me, he will respond to the change in one of two ways. He will go along with it or he will talk to you about it. So either way, you get your way. You either get his cooperation in making the change or you get the conversation you desire to have about the change.
The biggest mistake a woman can make is to "have a discussion" with her man. So, if you have something to say to your man, say it in as few words as possible or better yet, just do it if there's an action involved.
To keep things straight, bear in mind that people aren't what they say they are; they are what they do.
But, if you're going to talk, remember to LISTEN. Listening is more important than talking. So when you talk, listen too. Don't just shamelessly promote your own agenda. After all, you're in this together.
Ironically, after all that, here's where talking benefits you in a relationship.
YOUR CHEATIN' HEART 16
Because the topic of men and cheating has been beaten into the ground with discussion and literature, you would think that everything that can be said has been said... too many times. I agree it has, but why is it that when a woman finds out that her man has been cheating, the first question she asks is "Why? Why did he cheat on me?" Ironically, the "other woman" never asks why a man cheats with her, but that's beside the point.
A recent study stated that there are 237 good reasons to have sex. I personally like having sex because I don't like having to maintain my gym membership. In a review of the study, a reporter stated that the same study also lists a number of reasons why people are unfaithful. Not 237 reasons, but a number that was purported to give 237 a run for its money. So why do men cheat? I can't say for sure, but these are the reasons that I've learned about personally.
Men cheat because they can. But I shouldn't eat the rest of the Oreos for the same reason??
Men cheat because they desire a woman that isn't their wife or girlfriend. Oh, ok. But it isn't enough to watch a Salma Hayek movie and masturbate?
Men cheat to see if they can get away with being "bad." Does this version of being "bad" lead to spanking or corporal punishment?
Men cheat because they needed sex to feel like a man and their woman wasn't available to give it to them. What? Is this for real?
Men cheat because they think about sex a lot in a day and the ratio of thinking about sex during a day to actually doing it is like 99 to 1 so they don't feel like cheating is such a bad thing, when they've resisted their urges 98 other times. There is something backwards about rewarding a guy with the wrong thing because he did the right thing all the other times he had the opportunity to do the wrong thing.
Men cheat because their Father cheated and a Father's behavioral example becomes the behavior of his son. True.
Men cheat because they have emotional needs that aren't being met by their wife or girlfriend. How a physical act can satisfy an emotional need is a debatable comparison, but maybe it's similar to the way we women buy shoes or eat chocolate when something is upsetting us.
Men cheat because they want validation that they are still attractive to the opposite sex. Hello, I am the opposite sex!
Men cheat because they want more sex than they are getting at home. Now that's just greedy.
Men cheat because they were too high or too drunk to say "No." when the situation presented itself. Can you say AA?
Men cheat because they're afraid to commit to one woman and they want a second woman who will make them feel better should things go to hell with the first woman. Well that reason just defines its own result doesn't it?
Men cheat because they are afraid of losing their virility so they use it as much as they can, wherever they can, with whomever they can. Are you men or dogs? Wait, we already covered that.
Men cheat because they think they can get better than you; better looking, a better attitude, a woman with a more prestigious job, more money, better sex and a better life. Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark.
Men cheat because their friends think it's cool. I think they should get new friends.
Men cheat because they have low self esteem. Exactly how does doing something that hurts another help your self-esteem?
Men cheat because they are afraid their wife is going to leave them anyway. Way to use the power of positive thinking guys.
Men cheat because they're greedy. Word.
Men cheat because they want revenge on a cheating partner. As long as that revenge doesn't include HIV, herpes or syphilis.
Men cheat because they "Aren't getting along." with their partner. Ummmm... maybe because they cheat?
Men cheat because it makes them feel alive. Is this like cheating death? But what if they get caught cheating? How will they cheat death then?
The truth is that the only person who can answer "Why?" your man cheats is your man himself. I do know this much. If a man cheats on you once, he will cheat on you again. Another thing I know is that if you got involved with your man while he was cheating on another woman, then he'll leave you the same way. I don't care what he says to you in private. Prepare for the inevitable outcome by stocking up with an abundance of Kleenex, a bottle of tequila and a few good friends who'll get you back out of the house. What goes around comes around.
The one thing men definitely don't do while they're cheating is to think of the feelings of either the woman they are cheating on or the one they are cheating with. I know this because I've been in both situations. I've been cheated on and I've been cheated with and the guy never had a good enough reason either way. He only told me that he wasn't thinking of anything except what he wanted to do for himself at the time. And I believe it.
Unfortunately, cheating doesn't require a lot of time or effort. One guy cheated on me in the 4 minutes I was in the shower before he got in, in the mornings. That would be when he would call to make a date with his other girlfriend. One guy was able to cheat on me because he kept me at a distance from his apartment. He had his relationship with me at my place and his relationships with other women at his. One guy I knew had an irregular work schedule so his wife wasn't able to tell when he was cheating. Another guy told me that his wife had given him permission to cheat and yet another told me he and his wife had an open marriage. (It's funny how a man's definition of an open marriage usually means that the husband can pursue all the extracurricular sex he wants, but if the wife has sex, her husband freaks out.) Even a guy I knew who had the most amazing girlfriend would still cheat with someone else during his lunch hour.
I can say with all confidence that you'll never know for sure if you're being cheated on until you catch your guy cheating. You can presume, you can piece together the evidence or live in a perpetual state of suspicion, but it's not until you actually catch him that you know for sure. Not every guy cheats, but every guy who cheats rarely stops and if they're cheating with you, they are without question also cheating on you with someone else.
I think the question that's bigger than IF your guy is cheating, is what is in your personality that would attract a guy who cheats to cheat with you or to cheat on you? It's been said that people who are similar have this uncanny way of migrating towards each other and developing relationships. Since not all guys cheat, then why would you subconsciously gravitate towards involvement with a cheater? Are you too permissive in your behavior? Are your boundaries too flexible? Can your man subconsciously tell that you probably won't completely freak out and leave him if he cheats or if he's cheating with you? And if you're with a guy who's cheated on you already, why are you still with him? Can you honestly say you still trust him?
Like I've said, we attract people who are how we are. If I have low self esteem, then I will attract guys who also have low self esteem. Likewise, I may not specifically advocate cheating, but maybe I also don't outwardly reject the type of behavior which leads to cheating. Maybe I flirt with married men, or listen sympathetically when they complain about their wives or maybe I hang out too frequently with my friend's boyfriend; situations which could easily thrust me into an outcome where someone gets cheated on or where I'm cheating with someone I shouldn't be.
Don't be afraid to determine what you will stand for and what you won't. Setting a standard for your life and determining your definition of commitment well in advance of being introduced to a prospective Mr. Right, will help weed out the riff raff. There are right guys out there. I know. I've seen them.